Bittersweet Happiness

Let me tell you a story, all events are true, all reflections are past or current feelings of mine, all names have been changed.

Some friends just aren't meant to be friends. Is this the case here? I'm not sure. Something tells me yes, but something else tells me I'm in the wrong here.

Let's start from the beginning. It is really an interesting tale, at least in my opinion, so I'm going to just tell the entire story. Jenna and Kristie were twins. Well, are twins. We met at a mutual friends party and I hit it off with both of them quickly. Very cute girls, friendly, outgoing, funny, great people. They were bisexual, which isn't a problem, but it is an important fact for the story I am telling, so I did need to include it.

We exchanged phone numbers and after the party we talked. Just as friends. I talked to both girls every day and we become extremely close. After a few months I felt like I could tell them anything. Both Jenna and Kristie were dating other girls at the time, but I soon had a crush on Kristie. She was just a great person. I always could talk to her. We had meaningful conversations. She was extremely gorgeous. I never did tell her out right, but we flirted often and it became obvious that we both liked each other. She was in a relationship. One she was unhappy with. I encouraged her to get out of the relationship, and I can honestly say that it was not for any of my own motives. She was unhappy all the time, and I really did care for her too much to see her hurting.

This crush started to become much more than a crush. We got closer each day and I truly fell in love with Kristie. She was the only person I've cried over since I was a little boy, but that comes later. When she finally did break up with her girlfriend, she needed some time to get over things. I didn't want to tell her how I felt just then, but in the end I had waited too long. She started another relationship. That soon failed, and when I did finally decide I couldn't let my chance go by again I let everything out. I poured my heart out and got rejected.

She told me that she had at one point liked me, but she just saw me as an amazing friend now. I later found out the reason for this was that she no longer dated men. We got back to being just friends and, though I always had feelings for her, everything seemed fine.

Soon, we grew apart. I talked to her still, but the conversations grew shorter and farther between. It hurt me in so many ways. I had lost an amazing friend. I still was in love with her, but honestly, the loss of such a great person as a friend hurt the most. There was a 6 month period where I would call my friend Isabella and just talk and cry and talk for hours every night.

She was really and truly my best friend and losing her hurt me more than anything else has since. We still talked, yet very seldom, and about a year after we grew apart, I began to get over her. I can now honestly say I am completely over her, which is a good thing, considering she is a lesbian.

Though I'm not in love with her anymore, I still miss my best friend. The memories were amazing. Just thinking about the times we had together makes me smile. It's not a happy feeling though, it's one of those smiles you get when you have found a small ounce of happiness while in deep pain. The memories kill me, but comfort me at the same time. The times we talked on the phone all night, laughing. Her birthday party, where we had our silly-string war. The party where I met her, when, after ten minutes of talking, we were in a deep conversation about relationships. One moment that, for some reason, has always stuck with me was the day I was in New York City, driving over the Brooklyn Bridge. She sent me a text that made me smile and laugh and I looked out on to the water and, at that moment, I felt like life was perfect. The view, the ocean, talking to the greatest girl I have ever known in my life, everything just seemed to be at peace. These memories give me that bitter sweet happiness that I can't escape.

I look at her myspace page once and a while. Just to check in and see how she is doing. She has a girlfriend, she seems to be happy, which makes me feel a bit better, but for some reason, I feel like I shouldn't try to reach out to her again.

It took me until right now, as I was re-living all these memories to realize that I don't want to try to contact her because every time I have in the past, we only talked for a few days, and when we stopped talking, it just hurt more than before.

I have come to accept the fact that we will never be as close as we were before, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

So here I am. I don't know what to do. I know things will never be fixed. So is it even worth trying to talk to her? That's the question I keep asking myself. I don't know how to answer it, but one thing is for sure. Until I do answer it, I'm not going to reach out to my old best friend.

We have such different lifestyles. The laws of sociology say that we should never have become friends, but we did. All of that is gone now, and I'm left with bittersweet memories and the emptiness of losing what feels like part of my soul.

Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth making friends. It seems as if friendships always end by hurting any parties involved. I know this isn't true, but it is a feeling I've had. Without friends, I wouldn't have gotten through losing the one that I haven't got any more.

I don't really have a solution to this problem, so I would say the best moral I can pull from this story is to cherish every moment you have with your friends, and to never let a friend ship die if you can save it. Not every friendship will be forever, but you can always try your hardest to push for that goal.

Bittersweet goodbye,
Oxy