Change your socks!

Change.

And I'm not talking about that stuff that no body wants but they give you anyways every time you buy something.

I'm talking about change, creating different circumstances in your life.
Yeah that thing. I want some.

Some people are afraid of change, in fact most people have a complete and utter hatred of any and all types of change. Not me.

I crave it. I love change. I am, in fact, an agent of change. I need a change, often, in everything. Monotony is my worst enemy. I actually enjoy change so much that I have three beds in my bedroom and every couple of weeks I change the bed I sleep in just because I enjoy switching it up a little. And that, my friends, is a true story. No lie.

I guess you could say I am addicted to change...

But recently, I have been stuck in a rut of boring, monotonous, for lack of a better (read: real) word, sameness.

For the last couple months I've had the same everything. Same schedule, same mood, same friends. I've listened to the same music, eaten the same foods, broken the same string on my guitar. (Which drives me crazy!) I've used the same toothpaste, even worn the same socks. Well, okay, I haven't worn the same socks, but you get the picture.

I'm just bored with life.

I want something to happen... right now.

I want someone to surprise me with something life-altering.

I want to meet new people.

I'm even willing to break a bone if it will make things more interesting for a little while.

Everything is just so predictable. Something needs to change.

I know that people are going to say to change something on my own, but that means your totally missing what I'm trying to say. I understand, sure I could change something. I could change my schedule around a little bit, I could change the kind of toothpaste I use, I could change my socks. Sure, but those are just minor changes. I use them as an example, but that's not really what I'm talking about. I need a change that really and truly alters the way my life works. I want destiny to throw me a curve ball and I want to hit it out of the park.

I don't really see anyway for me to create this type of change on my own, so for now, I'll be waiting for destiny to go to a party, maybe do some LSD, and say, "Hey! Let's screw things around a little bit!"

Until that happens, I'll be living moment to moment, always looking for my moment to grab hold of something new.

My song of the moment:
Anything But Ordinary by Avril Lavigne

Dazed and Confused,
Oxy

Bittersweet Happiness

Let me tell you a story, all events are true, all reflections are past or current feelings of mine, all names have been changed.

Some friends just aren't meant to be friends. Is this the case here? I'm not sure. Something tells me yes, but something else tells me I'm in the wrong here.

Let's start from the beginning. It is really an interesting tale, at least in my opinion, so I'm going to just tell the entire story. Jenna and Kristie were twins. Well, are twins. We met at a mutual friends party and I hit it off with both of them quickly. Very cute girls, friendly, outgoing, funny, great people. They were bisexual, which isn't a problem, but it is an important fact for the story I am telling, so I did need to include it.

We exchanged phone numbers and after the party we talked. Just as friends. I talked to both girls every day and we become extremely close. After a few months I felt like I could tell them anything. Both Jenna and Kristie were dating other girls at the time, but I soon had a crush on Kristie. She was just a great person. I always could talk to her. We had meaningful conversations. She was extremely gorgeous. I never did tell her out right, but we flirted often and it became obvious that we both liked each other. She was in a relationship. One she was unhappy with. I encouraged her to get out of the relationship, and I can honestly say that it was not for any of my own motives. She was unhappy all the time, and I really did care for her too much to see her hurting.

This crush started to become much more than a crush. We got closer each day and I truly fell in love with Kristie. She was the only person I've cried over since I was a little boy, but that comes later. When she finally did break up with her girlfriend, she needed some time to get over things. I didn't want to tell her how I felt just then, but in the end I had waited too long. She started another relationship. That soon failed, and when I did finally decide I couldn't let my chance go by again I let everything out. I poured my heart out and got rejected.

She told me that she had at one point liked me, but she just saw me as an amazing friend now. I later found out the reason for this was that she no longer dated men. We got back to being just friends and, though I always had feelings for her, everything seemed fine.

Soon, we grew apart. I talked to her still, but the conversations grew shorter and farther between. It hurt me in so many ways. I had lost an amazing friend. I still was in love with her, but honestly, the loss of such a great person as a friend hurt the most. There was a 6 month period where I would call my friend Isabella and just talk and cry and talk for hours every night.

She was really and truly my best friend and losing her hurt me more than anything else has since. We still talked, yet very seldom, and about a year after we grew apart, I began to get over her. I can now honestly say I am completely over her, which is a good thing, considering she is a lesbian.

Though I'm not in love with her anymore, I still miss my best friend. The memories were amazing. Just thinking about the times we had together makes me smile. It's not a happy feeling though, it's one of those smiles you get when you have found a small ounce of happiness while in deep pain. The memories kill me, but comfort me at the same time. The times we talked on the phone all night, laughing. Her birthday party, where we had our silly-string war. The party where I met her, when, after ten minutes of talking, we were in a deep conversation about relationships. One moment that, for some reason, has always stuck with me was the day I was in New York City, driving over the Brooklyn Bridge. She sent me a text that made me smile and laugh and I looked out on to the water and, at that moment, I felt like life was perfect. The view, the ocean, talking to the greatest girl I have ever known in my life, everything just seemed to be at peace. These memories give me that bitter sweet happiness that I can't escape.

I look at her myspace page once and a while. Just to check in and see how she is doing. She has a girlfriend, she seems to be happy, which makes me feel a bit better, but for some reason, I feel like I shouldn't try to reach out to her again.

It took me until right now, as I was re-living all these memories to realize that I don't want to try to contact her because every time I have in the past, we only talked for a few days, and when we stopped talking, it just hurt more than before.

I have come to accept the fact that we will never be as close as we were before, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

So here I am. I don't know what to do. I know things will never be fixed. So is it even worth trying to talk to her? That's the question I keep asking myself. I don't know how to answer it, but one thing is for sure. Until I do answer it, I'm not going to reach out to my old best friend.

We have such different lifestyles. The laws of sociology say that we should never have become friends, but we did. All of that is gone now, and I'm left with bittersweet memories and the emptiness of losing what feels like part of my soul.

Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth making friends. It seems as if friendships always end by hurting any parties involved. I know this isn't true, but it is a feeling I've had. Without friends, I wouldn't have gotten through losing the one that I haven't got any more.

I don't really have a solution to this problem, so I would say the best moral I can pull from this story is to cherish every moment you have with your friends, and to never let a friend ship die if you can save it. Not every friendship will be forever, but you can always try your hardest to push for that goal.

Bittersweet goodbye,
Oxy

Carpe Diem

Sunday was three days short of a year from the day I went to the DMV. Waiting in line that day, I starting talking to the shockingly gorgeous girl behind me in line. Danielle (Not her real name) had brown hair and big brown eyes. Her tan skin and amazing smile left me speechless. I'm not the type to get nervous around women, but I was this time. This Danielle had me feeling butterflies like I was back in 6th grade. We talked for a good while and when I was leaving I waved goodbye and exited the DMV.

I never did ask her for her number, and that was a mistake. Everyone has those situations where they just let one get away. It is normal, but this time I couldn't stop thinking about her. For the next couple days I kept thinking, "What if I had..."

I looked for her on Myspace and Facebook to no avail. I had given up, but for the next year, right up until Sunday, I had thought about the DMV girl on a regular basis. Not everyday, but once and a while. She was one of those random strangers that I would probably never forget.

On Sunday morning, as I arrived at church, I watched a good friend of mine walk into church with a friend of his that I had never met before. I went over to say hello to my friend and he introduced me to his friend Dani.

She looked extremely familiar to me, and I knew right away it was the DMV girl. I shook her hand politely and said, "You look very familiar." She replied that I looked familiar as well. After a few minutes of conversation I told her I remembered where I had met her before. She remembered as well once I jogged her memory.

Turns out Danielle, the DMV girl, was childhood friends with one of my best friends. This was one of the best coincidences I've experienced in 2009 yet.

So, of course, we will see how things play out. We are talking now, and maybe it will lead to something, maybe it won't. Either way, I get my question of "What if" answered. I was given a second chance on this rare occasion, and I plan to take it.

I take this situation as a reminder that second chances are rare, and you never want to have to ask yourself "What if." In the new Matthew McConaughey movie, "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" McConaughey's character says that "Pain beats regret every day of the week and twice on Sunday.” Don't live a life full of regrets. Every moment can be taken for all it's worth. Jim Carrey's film, "Yes Man" is an amazing illustration of how incredible life can be when you seize the moment.

Pain and embarrassment will go away and can be pushed aside, but regret is the worst feeling in the world. I got a second chance in one case, but I have more regrets in my life than I have thoughts in my head. Don't regret anything else, from this day forward.

Today, I challenge you to seize every moment possible. Take every second of this day and squeeze it for all it's worth. I challenge you to live your life on a whim. The next time a crazy thought pops into your head, take action on it. I challenge you to push yourself over the edge. I challenge you to never worry about how you will look. I challenge you to make yourself look like a fool.

The challenge has been given. Will you accept? If you can say yes then you are thinking the right things. If you think I'm crazy, think about it a little bit more. If you say no, you may live to regret it, and the pain or embarrassment that comes from seizing the moment can never compare to the feeling the regret can give you.


Carpe Diem,
Oxy