FWB (Original Song) - Anthony Miller

It's funny...

It's funny how girls talk constantly about how they just want a gentleman. Someone who holds open doors, respects them, doesn't try to pressure them into sex. A guy who likes them for their entire being, not just the exterior. It's funny. They say that they just want a guy who cares about them, and takes care of them, and smiles every time they enter the room. They pretend that when they find this guy, their lives will be complete. It's funny. Actually, it's hilarious. Isn't it ironic, that in you're life at this very minute ladies, sitting in his room all alone, their is probably that gentleman. And you've already turned him down. "Oh, I just see you as a friend." "You're like a brother to me." "I don't want to ruin our friendship." "You're a great guy, just not for me." "Any other girl would be lucky to have you."

Are you kidding me ladies? Why? If you say you want the guy who will treat you right, and this guy will, then why? Don't keep lying to yourselves, don't keep lying to us. You fantasize about the romantic guy, but what you really want is the asshole. For some sick twisted reason, that us men will never understand, you want to be with those boys.

I call them boys because that's what they are. You think they are big, strong, tough, men. They aren't. A man treats people, men and women, with respect. A man takes care of those he loves. These "men" you girls really want, are nothing but little boys with cool haircuts and nice clothes.

The real men are waiting. They are the ones on the phone with you at 3 in the morning when the "boy" broke your heart again, even though they have exams at 6:00. They are the ones that bring you soup when your sick, not because they are your boyfriend and it's expected, just because they want you to feel better. They are the ones that call you on your birthday at midnight, just to be the first one to say it. And they are the ones who never get a chance at the girl of their dreams.

And I swear, the first girl to reply to this post saying that she is different is nothing but a liar... I didn't start getting girls until I joined a band. I'm still that nice guy, but I have to pretend at first that I'm an asshole, then once I've got a girl's interest, show her I'm not. Does this sound normal to you?

Then fix it. The ball's in your court. Go find that boy who has had unrequited love for you for years and give him a chance. Even if you don't really like him at first. You never know, you might actually end up wanting the things you say you want out of a man.

Regret and Redemption

Regret has proven to be the worst feeling that my body is capable of feeling. And so I make it a point to always follow my heart. I thought this would lead me away from choices that I would regret. Yet I am beginning to realize that regret is simply an unavoidable component of life.
There are always at least two options when you make a choice. But no matter if you follow your heart, your mind, or just flip a coin, you can't always make the right decision. It is humanly impossible.
People say life is about choices. No, life is about how we handle the consequences of our choices. If life is about choices, then we live in a bleak world; no one makes good decisions all of the time. Most of us don't even make good decisions most of the time time. Human nature is self-destructive. We naturally lean towards bad choices. But if life is about how we handle the results, how we cope, then everyone has a chance at redemption.
Redemption. That is what it's really all about when you are looking for happiness. I'm not talking about apologizing to people or paying them back for something you did. That is great, but I'm talking about self-redemption. That is what really can change your view on life. When you make a bad decision redeem yourself to yourself. When we make a bad choice, whether it is to ditch class, walk away from a relationship, from a friendship, whether it is to hurt a family member, to take those drugs, to drink that alcohol, to judge people, to ignore a phone call from a hurting friend, or even to just sleep in and be late to work, we see a chance to make things right here. When you wallow in your regrets, you are losing the game. Find the way to make things right. Things will never go back to the past, that isn't what redemption is about. Make the situation you are in now work just as well, if not better for you than the past.
Redemption isn't about making things the way you wish they were. It's about finding a way to make the consequences of your actions positive. Find the good and concentrate on growing it instead of harping on your regrets. Life will be so much brighter in the end.

Limbo

I haven't blogged in a long time. Life is changing and I'm not really coping with it at the moment. I constantly feel overwhelmed by everything that is going on. I feel like I have so much on my mind and so much to do, but when I sit down and really try to get anything done, there really isn't that much I can do. It just seems as if life is moving too quickly, but it's completely out of my control. I can't grab hold of much or do anything for myself. I'm just along for the ride. Everyday just seems like another step deeper into a life that is going in a million directions but never getting anywhere.
There is not enough time in a day, yet I just want every day to end quicker. I need more hours to do everything, but I want to just move on to a new stage in my life.

There is no conclusion to this blog post because I haven't yet come to a conclusion about what to do or think. I'm still floating in what feels like limbo to me, so we will see where it takes me.

Dating... For Realisies

So, normally, I feel like this is just a desperate call for attention, or some way to throw yourself out there for people, but right now, I'm seeing it as a minute of public self-reflection.

Many people like to run out there and post blogs talking about how they wish they had a girlfriend/boyfriend. I think this makes you look desperate and it bugs me usually, but this is different. Why? Because I say so.

I just got done watching "He's Just Not That Into You" (Yes, I know I'm behind on my movies) and it was actually pretty good.

And it got me thinking...about my past relationships. I haven't been known to have the longest lasting, nor most serious relationships in the world, but I've never really wanted that.

I have always enjoyed casual dating. I have been very much like Alex, (if you've seen the movie) in the fact that I have always distanced myself from people when a relationship was starting. I've always had an attitude where, if thing went south, "NEXT". The whole, "There are other fish in the sea," attitude.

PLOT SPOILER
At the end of the movie, Alex realizes that he can't keep going on like this, that he actually wants a real relationship finally.

It was at that moment that I realized the same thing. I'm so sick of flings and casual dating. I actually want to date some one long enough to get comfortable with them.

I'm not trying to run out there and scream, "Hey girls! Come and get me!" I'm just publicizing my epiphany that, I need to try to hold on to a relationship.

So from now on, I'm running at every relationship I find at full force. I'm not going to let anything scare me away from what could be a great thing.

I can't wait for the day when I'll find someone who can always make me happy, but until then, I'll be looking, and I won't settle for casual dating, and I definitely won't be ending any relationships for no reason as I have in the past.

Change your socks!

Change.

And I'm not talking about that stuff that no body wants but they give you anyways every time you buy something.

I'm talking about change, creating different circumstances in your life.
Yeah that thing. I want some.

Some people are afraid of change, in fact most people have a complete and utter hatred of any and all types of change. Not me.

I crave it. I love change. I am, in fact, an agent of change. I need a change, often, in everything. Monotony is my worst enemy. I actually enjoy change so much that I have three beds in my bedroom and every couple of weeks I change the bed I sleep in just because I enjoy switching it up a little. And that, my friends, is a true story. No lie.

I guess you could say I am addicted to change...

But recently, I have been stuck in a rut of boring, monotonous, for lack of a better (read: real) word, sameness.

For the last couple months I've had the same everything. Same schedule, same mood, same friends. I've listened to the same music, eaten the same foods, broken the same string on my guitar. (Which drives me crazy!) I've used the same toothpaste, even worn the same socks. Well, okay, I haven't worn the same socks, but you get the picture.

I'm just bored with life.

I want something to happen... right now.

I want someone to surprise me with something life-altering.

I want to meet new people.

I'm even willing to break a bone if it will make things more interesting for a little while.

Everything is just so predictable. Something needs to change.

I know that people are going to say to change something on my own, but that means your totally missing what I'm trying to say. I understand, sure I could change something. I could change my schedule around a little bit, I could change the kind of toothpaste I use, I could change my socks. Sure, but those are just minor changes. I use them as an example, but that's not really what I'm talking about. I need a change that really and truly alters the way my life works. I want destiny to throw me a curve ball and I want to hit it out of the park.

I don't really see anyway for me to create this type of change on my own, so for now, I'll be waiting for destiny to go to a party, maybe do some LSD, and say, "Hey! Let's screw things around a little bit!"

Until that happens, I'll be living moment to moment, always looking for my moment to grab hold of something new.

My song of the moment:
Anything But Ordinary by Avril Lavigne

Dazed and Confused,
Oxy

Bittersweet Happiness

Let me tell you a story, all events are true, all reflections are past or current feelings of mine, all names have been changed.

Some friends just aren't meant to be friends. Is this the case here? I'm not sure. Something tells me yes, but something else tells me I'm in the wrong here.

Let's start from the beginning. It is really an interesting tale, at least in my opinion, so I'm going to just tell the entire story. Jenna and Kristie were twins. Well, are twins. We met at a mutual friends party and I hit it off with both of them quickly. Very cute girls, friendly, outgoing, funny, great people. They were bisexual, which isn't a problem, but it is an important fact for the story I am telling, so I did need to include it.

We exchanged phone numbers and after the party we talked. Just as friends. I talked to both girls every day and we become extremely close. After a few months I felt like I could tell them anything. Both Jenna and Kristie were dating other girls at the time, but I soon had a crush on Kristie. She was just a great person. I always could talk to her. We had meaningful conversations. She was extremely gorgeous. I never did tell her out right, but we flirted often and it became obvious that we both liked each other. She was in a relationship. One she was unhappy with. I encouraged her to get out of the relationship, and I can honestly say that it was not for any of my own motives. She was unhappy all the time, and I really did care for her too much to see her hurting.

This crush started to become much more than a crush. We got closer each day and I truly fell in love with Kristie. She was the only person I've cried over since I was a little boy, but that comes later. When she finally did break up with her girlfriend, she needed some time to get over things. I didn't want to tell her how I felt just then, but in the end I had waited too long. She started another relationship. That soon failed, and when I did finally decide I couldn't let my chance go by again I let everything out. I poured my heart out and got rejected.

She told me that she had at one point liked me, but she just saw me as an amazing friend now. I later found out the reason for this was that she no longer dated men. We got back to being just friends and, though I always had feelings for her, everything seemed fine.

Soon, we grew apart. I talked to her still, but the conversations grew shorter and farther between. It hurt me in so many ways. I had lost an amazing friend. I still was in love with her, but honestly, the loss of such a great person as a friend hurt the most. There was a 6 month period where I would call my friend Isabella and just talk and cry and talk for hours every night.

She was really and truly my best friend and losing her hurt me more than anything else has since. We still talked, yet very seldom, and about a year after we grew apart, I began to get over her. I can now honestly say I am completely over her, which is a good thing, considering she is a lesbian.

Though I'm not in love with her anymore, I still miss my best friend. The memories were amazing. Just thinking about the times we had together makes me smile. It's not a happy feeling though, it's one of those smiles you get when you have found a small ounce of happiness while in deep pain. The memories kill me, but comfort me at the same time. The times we talked on the phone all night, laughing. Her birthday party, where we had our silly-string war. The party where I met her, when, after ten minutes of talking, we were in a deep conversation about relationships. One moment that, for some reason, has always stuck with me was the day I was in New York City, driving over the Brooklyn Bridge. She sent me a text that made me smile and laugh and I looked out on to the water and, at that moment, I felt like life was perfect. The view, the ocean, talking to the greatest girl I have ever known in my life, everything just seemed to be at peace. These memories give me that bitter sweet happiness that I can't escape.

I look at her myspace page once and a while. Just to check in and see how she is doing. She has a girlfriend, she seems to be happy, which makes me feel a bit better, but for some reason, I feel like I shouldn't try to reach out to her again.

It took me until right now, as I was re-living all these memories to realize that I don't want to try to contact her because every time I have in the past, we only talked for a few days, and when we stopped talking, it just hurt more than before.

I have come to accept the fact that we will never be as close as we were before, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

So here I am. I don't know what to do. I know things will never be fixed. So is it even worth trying to talk to her? That's the question I keep asking myself. I don't know how to answer it, but one thing is for sure. Until I do answer it, I'm not going to reach out to my old best friend.

We have such different lifestyles. The laws of sociology say that we should never have become friends, but we did. All of that is gone now, and I'm left with bittersweet memories and the emptiness of losing what feels like part of my soul.

Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth making friends. It seems as if friendships always end by hurting any parties involved. I know this isn't true, but it is a feeling I've had. Without friends, I wouldn't have gotten through losing the one that I haven't got any more.

I don't really have a solution to this problem, so I would say the best moral I can pull from this story is to cherish every moment you have with your friends, and to never let a friend ship die if you can save it. Not every friendship will be forever, but you can always try your hardest to push for that goal.

Bittersweet goodbye,
Oxy